may 1st

i keep telling myself that i will eventually pull my shit together, finally organize the shitfest that is my life. however, you can’t really sort yourself out if you’re a dysfunctional mess on a psychological and emotional level. i honestly don’t know what i’m doing. i find myself with no motivation to commit myself to anything. there are rare moments where i feel inspired, but there’s nothing there to keep it going, to build momentum. cocaine might do the trick idk.

dropping out of uni for this semester has been the best decision i’ve made in a while. to most, it may come off as millennial ignorance, or even privilege if you’re willing to go down that path. but in fact, it’s given me the oppurtunity to figure out what i really want from life. we’re given such a short time period to make a snap decision. a decision that would define our lives until another major milestone comes along. and also with immigrant parents, it must be a decision that appeases them and is set in stone.

many tend to begin sketching the framework of their post-high school life from a young age. general career paths and ideas are thrown around before they narrow in on a certain discourse. for me it was the same way. i grew up wanting to be a vet, a police officer, a forensic scientist, a humanitarian worker and even the UN secretary-general. what all these had in common was a philanthropic attitude, a purpose to aid others. it wasn’t something i was conscious of until i had to sit down and choose a course to study in uni (uni was also a given for me, not due to familial expectations but rather a yearning to learn). parallel to this philanthropic inclination was a desire to work in law enforcement or criminal law, you know, that sort of thing. this was fueled by an obsession with crime thrillers from a young age. so you’d expect me to do something along those lines? well, i sure did.

however, the fear of finding a career, and a well-paying one at that (esp. since i live in sydney, straya) was one justified. it was a fear that would manifest itself purely through my parents and their constant nagging. they were adamant i do law or even business (to which i immediately would reply with a succinct ‘fuck no’). this anxiety trumped by own personal desires and i ended up in a degree i thought i would enjoy. a degree i later tried to force myself to enjoy. it did not work. a month into uni, i had danced with depression, considered becoming a florist and played with self-doubt more often than not. that month was hell and i was quick to make my decision to drop out. if i had continued to force myself to ‘enjoy’ or even tolerate such a situation, who knows where i’d be today.

making that decision was the best thing for me. it was difficult to explain to others, especially to my own parents who even to this day are disgruntled (which i understand). but at the end of the day it was a personal choice made with my mental and emotional health at the forefront. i was studying something i didn’t like in a foreign environment (an environment i later grew to love but that wasnt enough to save me). there were other agents of influence but those are things i wouldn’t even dare to disclose to a therapist. but i am as happy as i can be given the circumstances.

let’s see where i go from here.

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